Sunday, May 18, 2008

The "Nice Guy"---and Why He's Not Nice

The "Nice Guy"---and Why He's Not Nice
By Dropit
"Nice," as used in the community, is way different than "nice" as used by women.

When the community uses the term, it is a perjorative. But since to most people it's enjoys a positive connotation, I thought a little more definition would be helpful

The "nice" guy likes a girl. He starts by befriending the girl and denying any romantic interest (he figures: I'll prove I like her as a person, not just a romantic interest), secretly taking note of what she likes, and then giving the "perfect" gift along with a confession of his love.

Poor girl! She thought she had a friend, but now she finds out he was just acting the whole time. Alternatively, she is uncomfortably surprised from this lightning bolt out of a seemingly clear blue sky, and is worried about how to save the friendship without hooking up with the guy, perhaps adding to the rejection the caveat, "You're such a nice guy."

Eventually, she lets him down as easy as she knows how (remember, this is a good, kind girl here), and this guy wonders what he did wrong. He certainly didn't do anything mean; his ears perked up when he heard her complain about guys, and steadfastly worked to avoid doing those things. He figures he's being nice.

The problem is that these guys have a sort of male version of going for committment too fast. A relationship is a 50-50 venture, but he's gone 90-10, and he's basically trying to pressure her into liking him, claiming (or at least implying) that she "owes" him for all he's done for her. He is trying to force her into liking him, she senses the trap, and she splits.

Then she meets another guy. She regards him as moderately attractive (maybe even LESS attractive than the nice guy), and she figures he'd be worth a date. So they go out, and it's clear that they're on the same page---he had an open Friday night, so, hey, he called her up. Turns out he has a rough edge or two, but nobody has to be perfect. He calls her up for a second date, and again, it's clear to both that this is just a date. She hasn't put that much effort into it, but neither has he. At least he isn't trying to lasso her with guilt.

So when our self-proclaimed "nice" guy meets this new guy and sees that he's not working as hard as the "nice" guy did, yet she's dating HIM, he thinks: "What? I worked so hard for her! I did everything I could! I even watched her favorite show so I could find something to talk about! What's wrong? Why is she dating that jerk?"

The so-called "jerk" isn't really a jerk; he simply isn't as fawning as the "nice" guy. But the labels have been assigned in his head, and so comes the saying, "Nice guys finish last."

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Older guys gaming younger hotties

When the subject of age comes up, and the man is fairly older than the woman, there are tons of ways to handle it. One common method in the community is to reframe it or whatever, which is all well and good. What I'm discussing here is a little different. If I think a girl is younger, or the subject comes up like it did the other night, I try to guide the conversation to a topic only the younger crowd would typically comment on. For example, I asked the group how they all knew each other and they said high school, and I knew they were early to mid 20s, so I cracked "So, what, like 6 weeks ago?" They pipe up and qualify that they're not that young (all are 24). What I've noticed is that when gaming younger ones, by "shit testing" them first about their age it preempts them from doing it to me and making an issue out of it. When they do ask, I make them guess and if they're close I reframe it with "Quick, someone get this girl a job at the carnival!" and it's never mentioned again.
The point I'm trying to drive home here is to guide the conversation to something you can bust on them for being so young, but by doing it in an obviously over-the-top way so they know you're playing. If you've ran strong Attraction game (A2 in the M3 model) they'll usually start qualifying themselves, which is why I've included this as a waypoint to see if they're ready for Qualification (A3).
Another tip when guiding the conversation like this is to not let them steal the frame back or lead the conversation until you're ready. Going with the high school example, don't let them tell you when they graduated. Say "No, don't tell me, let me guess.....6 weeks ago?" (or 2 years ago, whichever works for you) this way you can get the jab in and force the conversational thread in the direction you want it to go, which is to get them qualifying.

Girl code for "he's got game"

As a general rule of thumb whenever a woman says [often to her girlfriends] "he's not usually my type, but..." it's usually got something to do with him not being as good looking, or having a different style, or maybe not being as tall as what she usually pulls.

The key info to take away from this is that the guy had pretty decent game and overcame the woman's stumbling blocks (read: usual preferences). Again, it all goes back to subtext.