Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Inner-game 101

Cutting Through The Bullshit

Inner-game is a combination of high self-esteem and self-confidence. Because of this you are internally validated. This drives men to not be needy or wussy and to go after what they want in life. This is what's under the hood when it comes to being "alpha".

And here's the problem I see with the community: guys can learn to *emulate* alpha characteristics without developing the inner qualities that actually make men *be* alpha cool guys to begin with. Sure, there are some things guys can go out of the box to improve themselves, like good posture, vocalization, etc. However, the deep core beliefs need to change, and that doesn't happen by *acting* like an alpha male with social savvy.

"Fake it till you make it."

Ultimately faking it is a short-term fix to a long-term problem and many guys forget that enhancing the other aspects of their lives is necessary and start thinking that being good with women will somehow change their entire life around. Unfortunately for them life doesn't work that way. Later on when they're pulling women, the women eventually sniff out they're a fake and lose attraction. Now don't get me wrong, that's great if you're just up for ONS or STRs as you're out the door so quick they're never the wiser. However, if you ever want to really develop yourself as a person you need to get to get off your ass and do things that will give you the life experience to improve your self-confidence, self-esteem, and give you reason to be self-assure. Going out "sarging" 4 nights a week won't do this no matter now you slice it. Sure you may have a confidence boost from nailing bar sluts a couple nights a week, but that's only going to take you so far.

Now don't get me wrong. Nobody is saying time in the field is meaningless. I'm saying that it's only one facet of what makes someone the total package. A lot of guys get in the community and think the secret to getting women is spending time in field and trying to develop alpha qualities and whatnot. The truth of the matter is that being proficient with women is only part of what makes someone alpha and if you have the other aspects of your life squared away ONLY THEN should you focus exclusively on developing your skill with women.

Furthermore, simply telling yourself (affirmations, hypnosis, etc) or thinking to yourself (meditation) that you're some great guy creates a delusion that you're something better or more than what you really are. It's ultimately a false belief that is shakable and leaves one vulnerable to self-doubt. Instead of lying to yourself and constantly trying to force the belief that you're a cool alpha guy, what I'm suggesting is that guys get out into the world and live life and do things that will cultivate true alpha qualities; to develop your personality in ways that pickup never can. Get in the gym, go play paintball, go camping, travel, do things that are interesting and give you perspective on life. It sounds kinda campy, but basically you need to go out and do "manly" things.

On a personal level I think it's great if guys can get something from affirmations, meditation, hypnosis, etc. I've never had much use for that sort of thing. I used to do the positive affirmations and get positive feedback from friends & family when I was younger, but it actually made things worse because I didn't feel as though I deserved the praise. Now I've come to realize that praise (including self-praise such as that from affirmations) without qualification is just blowing smoke up your ass. This is why I don't buy into a lot of new-agey stuff trumpeted around the community. Based on my life experience I'm much more open to praise backed on practical reasons such as palpable success and results. They have a much more solid impact on my mentality and expectations. Don't get me wrong, if that stuff works for you then more power to you, but it's just not for me. The way I look at it actions (and results) speak far louder than words. Furthermore, words without action are a meaningless waste of time.

What it all comes down to is you have to live life and do things that will turn you into an actual alpha male, whereas most guys fake being one, both to others and to themselves. The benefit of true inner-game is that having your head together automatically takes care of a large swath of the outer-game elements guys are currently spending so much time on in the community. This is going to be the new vanguard of pickup, a true "menaissance" if you will.

Becoming Alpha
From wikipedia:

In psychology, self-esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of her or his own worth.
Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, "I am competent/incompetent") and emotions (for example, triumph/despair, pride/shame). Behavior may reflect self-esteem (for example, assertiveness/timorousness, confidence/caution).

The socio-psychological concept of self-confidence relates to self-assuredness in one's personal judgment, ability, power, etc., sometimes manifested excessively

Signs of self-confidence:
- A pleasant demeanor
- A cheerful outlook on life
- Satisfaction with one's personal life

There are ways to improve both self-confidence and self-esteem. Looking at my own levels of both I've recognized I'm pretty far along in my development process to having true inner-game. My revelation that made me understand all of this, at least as I currently see things, is the moment I realized I'm a badass worthy dude that's a smashing success. For example, I've accomplished all but two of my life's goals. I'm not perfect, but I'm happy with my success and what I've accomplished in life. That realization is the sort of stuff that bolsters self-confidence and self-esteem. Success in the field can have a similar effect, but it's limited to only making one happy with one aspect of their life, which is to say they're pleased with their skill with women. That's only one piece of the puzzle though and still leaves room for a lot of development.

My first step in developing true inner-game is to create life goals. Create both short, medium, and long term goals. They can be related to pickup, but they should cover the entire spectrum of your life: women, finances, heath, etc.

The second step is to develop an roadmap and timeframe for how and when you'd like to meet those goals. Focus on the short term goals first starting with the easiest and ending with the most difficult. Rinse and repeat with the medium and long term goals. Now put the list away for a while and move on to the next step.

The third step in developing true inner-game is to do something interesting and fun outside of trying to meet your above goals. Ideally these activities are something that will require conviction and/or courage to complete. My example above was paintball as it has danger and pain elements that are a barrier to entry for many. If that applies to you then something like paintball would be good because getting over those hangups builds character.

The fourth step requires a bit of an investment, but it's something I strongly advocate: Travel. You don't have to go to Asia, but going on a trip out of state is a good start. Go camping, go skiing, go somewhere and just get a room at a hotel and meet people in a far away place for a few days. Get to know them and see how life is subtly different there. Learn to appreciate what's special about where you do live and see if you can bring back something from your travels that will enhance your life in some way. Again, this builds character.

Getting Physical
The fifth step is where you get your hands dirty. The cool thing is that by doing something physical like playing football, doing martial arts, or simply working out is you'll always get an immediate reward from doing it, which is exercise. Even if your long term goal is to lose 50lbs then your immediately getting the gratification of working towards your goal. Plus you'll feel better from the exercise.

Oh, and if you haven't noticed, I'm trying to build synergy by structuring the phases and steps in a particular way. By getting in shape, guess what that also builds? You guessed it...Character.

I really feel for most of the guys out there who don't have the life experience to see things for what they are. Sadly most guys won't understand where I'm coming from until years from now. Only after they life life will they realize that just telling yourself you're a badass will only take you so far. Furhtermore, trying to devleop your inner-game through such techniques are a fruitless endeavor as such beliefs are shakeable and ultimately fleeting. And this is the critical aspect so many people miss: a "belief" and "knowledge" are completely different things, so make sure you NEVER confuse the two.

If you *know* you're a badass, because you've done badass things, then you usually don't have to tell yourself shit because you know you are the man. If you constantly tell yourself you're a badass and eventually believe it, really, you're just deluding yourself and that delusion can crack under pressure. Knowledge isn't so flimsy.

Final thoughts
To be blunt about it, a lot of guys in the community are lacking manliness. Get out of the house, do shit, have a life. Do that and the pieces of "game" that you're trying to fix will fall into place largely on their own. Having live life to the extreme the inane crap most guys fret about, like worrying about what some HB might think about their approach, can't affect me because of those real life experiences. This has greatly influence my take on inner-game, which goes like this:

Be strong like steel not by telling yourself to be strong, but by being tempered in the fires of life.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Pedestals are bad, mmmkay

I've been answer the question lately why guys have a tendency to put women up on a pedestal. For those that don't know what that means, it's generally treating women like a delicate flower, a princess if you will, and involves lots and lots of supplication and generally wussy behavior that typically turns the woman off. 

Why men tend to do this is really simple. The short version of why guys do this is comes down to a few simple reasons:

A) Social programming. From the time we're little kids girls are given a free pass for lots of stuff because "girls are made from sugar and spice and all things nice", we're taught they're "the fairer sex", never hit a woman, open doors, pay for dates, blah blah blah.

B) We're wired to value looks so if a woman is attractive we assign value to them from the get-go. This tends to raise their value in respect to our own as males and by default the guys think they're lower value and automatically the woman is looked up to from a value perspective.

C) It's taboo to think women are just as horny as guys and have as much sex (really it's way more than guys), and that they can do no wrong sexually as all are sweet, innocent, virginal princesses.

All in all, treat women no differently than you'd treat your friends. They're human and just as cool as everyone else in your life. No better. No worse. Think of women from that perspective instead of looking up to them on the pedestal you place them and you'll find you have much better relationships because of it. 

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Secret of Alpha: Comfort and Being Unaffected

Learning pickup is not the magic bullet many people think it is. Far too often I see guys get into the community with the hopes of learning some secret lines that will make women's panties drop. Sorry guys, but that's not how things work. When meeting and attracting beautiful women all the lines in the world will do you no good if you aren't comfortable in your own skin. When most guys approach women they do so like a chump. The qualities they evoke often put women off even from across the room and by the time the man finally makes his approach he's nervous, has poor body language, etc. We all know the drill because we've all been there at one time. The reason this puts women off is because it makes them uncomfortable, not because they're being approached but because YOU are uncomfortable. You read that right: YOUR comfort levels directly impact the emotional state of the women you hit on. Once you understand this, and can subcommunicate your own comfort, then women will be very receptive to you interacting with them. 

Generally speaking, there are two stages of social interaction when you're out at a club or bar. The first stage is where value is displayed. Because female value is largely physical, it's plain as day if they are high value or not. Men are not that lucky. We have to show we have value to trade by how we carry ourselves, dress, and interact with others. The second stage is where men and women subtly exchange value, if a trade will take place at all. And this is what most people seem to miss out on. You cannot trade value if the woman doesn't recognize the value you have to offer. You'll come off as a valueless chump that just wants to get into her panties. To break from this dynamic you have to subcommunicate your value as a man. How you do that is beyond the scope of this posting, so for now lets just focus on the approach. 

If a man walks up to a beautiful woman who gets hit on all the time, he's already got his work cut out for him. She's probably been hit on thousands of times and is used to the vast majority being AFCs with weak game. So before you can even begin to exchange value you have to demonstrate you have value to begin with. This starts from the moment you walk into the venue. You should walk in looking confident, self assure, and having a good time. Smiling is an immensely useful tool everyone has in their toolbox, so USE IT! 

When you do make an approach, if you are nervous and feeling awkward then the woman will pick up on that and feel it as well. It doesn't matter what stage or phase you're in. If you get nervous she'll pick up on it and you risk her souring to the interaction. I never understood what it was like for women until I finally crossed the threshhold into  not being affected by external sources, such as a woman's physical beauty. What happens now when I'm with an HB is her comfort level will often mirror mine and vice versa. What's also new is that women sometimes turn into the AFC I once was. And this is key: when she's nervous like most AFCs are when they approach I can feel her discomfort, the sudden stiffness of their body, darting eyes, increased breath rate, looking uncomfortable, etc. This isn't because she doesn't like you, it's because she does like you and you just flipped the script into her being the AFC! This is why why being comfortable and chill when you interact with women is so important and why not being affected is so critical. If you get spooked when she goes into AFC mode you'll likely lose her. You need to remain unaffected and essentially let her borrow some of your chill vibe so she can mellow out again. It's all about comfort, not being affected (by her beauty or emotional state), and demonstrating that you are solid as a rock and won't freak out on her.