Friday, July 18, 2008

SOIs, Kino, & Escaping the Friend-Zone

This is commonly given advice for guys who have that special friend they want to get romantic with. One critical thing to remember before even attempting this is that if you fail then you probably won't be friends very much longer. That being said, here are some things you can do to get out of the friend-zone:
  • Put some separation between you and your female friend. Let things cool for a week or three. This helps cool her perception of you as Mr Nice Guy.
  • Preselection. Take her out as a wing so that she can see you have attractive qualities. Furthermore, this gives you the opportunity to build a jealously plotline, which is by far one of the best ways to get a woman to realize she's attracted to a man.
  • Kino, kino, kino. When you hang out again after the break you'll need to break her frame of mind that you're her gal-pal and shoulder to cry on. Kino and preselection are huge aspects of cracking that perception.
  • Statement of Interest/Intent (SOI). By tossing out an SOI you're subtly letting her know you're not interested in just being friends. A common SOI is saying something about her is "sexy". Could be a giggle, her golden glow, whatever works for you. The goal is to drop the neutrality between you and turn up the heat, so to speak.

While it is certainly possible to get out of the friend-zone, as I mentioned before, doing so can be problematic and risky. If you screw it up, or she just isn't interested, then you probably won't be friends for much longer. Chalk it up to creepiness, trust, and awkwardness issues. See my Nice Guy postings for more info.

And a note about kino: If you're not getting physical, sexually, by the 3rd or 4th date you're at risk of landing in the friend-zone. Doubly so if a woman has lots of options. You have got to get physical (kino) as soon as possible.
  • A) It shows you're comfortable touching other people, namely women
  • B) Without a level of physical contact shifting into intimacy will be awkward at best.
How many of you have had a great conversation with a woman where you really connect, but then she's like, "well, I gotta get going" and you feel like a tool for not kissing her? Or worse, you do try to go in for the kiss and it's awkward as hell? That's because you didn't amp up the kino during the course of the interaction. Touch is primarily what gets people to connect.

For more info on how to kino properly I strongly suggest reading Vin DiCarlo's Kino Escalation Ladder. It's freely available online as a pdf and is one of the best primers I've seen yet when it comes to kino. Once you get a little more advanced you've got to check out what David Shade has to offer. Absolutely top-notch stuff.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Competence vs. Confidence

To quote Neil Strauss:

The two biggest clich├ęs of dating advice are: Just Be Yourself and Be Confident.
That’s a load of bullshit: You shouldn’t be yourself, you should be your best self.
As for being confident, it’s impossible to just be confident because someone tells you to. This is impossible without success. Success breeds confidence. So you need to learn to have success...
Here’s pickup broken down to its most basic formula: Be interesting and interested... be confident and competent.
Something Mystery once said still sticks with me that really brings to light that having confidence isn't everything. When it comes down to it which would you prefer to have: confidence or competence....when riding a motorcycle. As you can see confidence alone can get you killed if you don't know what you're doing. Competence can get you from point A to point B safely and on time. That is why competence wins out over confidence any day of the week in my book and it applies just the same to relationships and social interaction as it does with riding a bike.

Boyfriend Objections

Boyfriend Objections are the automatic responses women throw out if you telegraph too much interest or move too fast. Sometimes the boyfriend is real, other times they are not. As a rule of thumb treat the bf objection as a shit test. Basically when that happens it's just a test to see if you've got the stones to keep pushing. If he's real, she will definitely bring it up again and you can adjust your game accordingly, or stop gaming her and shift into making a pivot/pawn. If not, then you've just won points for being alpha enough to not let other men in her life bother you.

Simple ways of passing this test is to dismiss her comment, shift into a BT spike, or misinterpret her intent. Here are a few examples:

Her: I have a boyfriend.
You: That's cute.

Her: I have a boyfriend.
You: Me too! I taught mine to do back flips. What did you teach yours?
Her: Uh, nothing?
You: Bah! You're a terrible trainer.

Her: I have a boyfriend.
You: Geez lady, I've known you all of 30 seconds and you're already telling me your life's problems.

Her: I have a boyfriend.
You: Whoa! Slow down there missy. You don't have to impress me with how "in demand" you are. I can decide for myself if you're interesting enough to date.

When you toss out one of this responses immediately move on to another subject. Poof! No more talk of a boyfriend. However, expect another mention later on if he is in fact real. Dealing with that however is another thing altogether.

Memorize a few and just keep them in the back of your mind for the next time a woman mentions a boyfriend in conversation.

And remember, "women are like monkeys." When I say women are like monkeys it's in the Tarzan sense of swinging from tree to tree. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on the next. Women are the same way with boyfriends & relationships. That's essentially Rule #1 why high quality women are so rarely single for any length of time.

Not wanting to go after a woman in a relationship, IMO, really comes down to being a limiting belief. Case in point: 50-60% of marriages fail in this country. Simple bf/gf relationships fail even more. Since women are rarely single for any length of time that means they're typically going directly from one man to the next. Once you face this reality then you can use it to your advantage. What it comes right down to, in all honesty, is that if boyfriends mattered so much women wouldn't give their numbers out to some certain types of men and tell others they're seeing someone (or in some cases turn out to be married!). Many women are on the lookout for the next best thing for a variety of reasons. If you're not that guy then someone else will be, and I see no reason why that guy can't by YOU!

To quote Decibel, a highly regarded member of the social arts community:

Make girls happy, that's your job. Take that girl out of her unhappy relationship and show her a better time. She'll thank you for it. She's not going to break up with her current BF for many reasons including: girls like sex and won't give it up needlessly; girls like having someone to hang out with and will overlook other problems in him but are constantly watching for better options; breaking up takes a bunch of emotional effort that many people avoid until something else is lined up.

I personally would get yourself past the boyfriend/girlfriend hurdle and keep gaming these 'unavailable' girls. It many times is just a fling that's gone on too long, and many of these chicks are more than happy to jump ship when a [high quality] guy...comes along.


You can't "steal" a girl, as ballsy as it sounds. She makes her mind up to go with the higher value man. All you can do is present a better option.

As far the ethics of it, there aren't any. All girls are fair game. You make your own rules about what's off limits, and then go from there. I hit on girls in front of their BFs all the time. I usually ask her if it's ok for me to do it. It's his problem, not mine.

Bottom line, there is no reason to wait or hold back from pursuing a woman you're interested in.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Prince Charming Theory

Women are raised from a young age to think relationships and their romantic life will be like a Disney cartoon. From the time they're little girls they expect Prince Charming will come along at some point and sweep them off their feet. Well, the world doesn't work that way. That being said, there's no reason you can't be a woman's Prince Charming. However, you must first understand that who he truly was isn't what most people would expect. The truth is actually something that goes against the grain of most Disneyesque ideals of romantic love and chivalry.

The Prince Charming Theory is a combination of essentially two factors:

Preselection - An evolutionary shortcut, or tool, humans developed to determine from afar if a person is high value. If others look upon someone favorably we are typically draw to them and/or wonder what makes them valuable. In females this wonder sparks preliminary attraction. The effect of preselection, like having women crawling all over you, makes it a hell of a lot easier to open up other women later on. In some cases women will begin to open you!

Perceived Value - This is when a high value male chooses a woman. The effect this has on women is at the heart of the Prince Charming Theory: When a high value male with lots of choice regarding sexual/relationship partners chooses a particular woman then she is perceived as the female with the most value of any of those he could choose from. This makes a woman feel special and has the benefit of making her value, cherish, and respect the relationship so much more than if she merely chose the man. This is intrinsically different from the traditional paradigm of women choosing men and is why women will often chase a man, or otherwise tolerate abuse or otherwise bad treatment, by men that seem disinterested or that have 3 other women on speed dial.

I don't generally agree with Disneyesque ideals of romance, or any relationship advice given by mainstream media as it's usually terrible and chock full of social programming. But when it comes to Prince Charming, he was the ultimate version of what men should strive to be if they want control over their relationships and want women to chase him. He was preselected, had options, and he chose the women he wished to interact with. Furthermore, those women who he chose felt special because he chose them. That's the secret sauce of Prince Charming Theory.

When you reach that point it's important to note that qualifying women is integral to keeping them. If not, they will have worthiness issues.

Routines or not?

To everyone that says they don't use routines.....

Bullshit. Everyone uses routines, even pure naturals. If you even say "Hi, my name is ____." on a regular basis, guess what, that's a routine. If you tell a story about something that happened in your life, that's a routine. Basically routines are nothing more than a bit of banter or storytelling you use fairly regularly when you interact socially. Period. Sure, some are 100% fabricated or stolen from others, like what happens when people join the community for a while, but most come from your life. Ideally any routines you use should be natural and true to your own life, but that doesn't make them less worthy or fake at all. Even if you run "natural" game you're still using routines whether or not you realize it or not. That's actually where you want to be, when something is so fluent that you don't even realize it's "in the can" so to speak.

One thing I've been seeing is people will conflate using routines with structured game. Whether or not you run structured or unstructured game, aka "natural game", doesn't matter. Both styles of pickup use routines.

Naturals often say something to the effect "Just go direct and say "Hi". That's what I do and it works fine for me. Nobody needs those silly routines you fakers use." Well, that direct opener of walking up and saying "Hi" is a routine. It may not feel like one to the natural because he didn't consciously invent it to be used as an opener, and so for him it just flows naturally, but no matter how you slice it it's still a routine.

You could argue that structured game uses both organic AND structured banter & routines whereas "natural game" is all organic, but to say they don't use routines at all isn't true one bit.

Nice Guys Part 3

Saw this posted on one of the community forums. It's a great example of why men with choice are attractive to women and ties in nicely with my Prince Charming Theory (coming soon).

Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl -- is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, "You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend," from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for -- only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants? Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, "nice" equates with boring and predictable. Look up "nice" in the dictionary and you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy.I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, "He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on." Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way. What I suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, "Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?" is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him? She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable.
It works like this: Once you need something, or you want it too badly, you forfeit your strength and lose all power of negotiation. You are in a position of weakness and you are perceived as weak. Someone (or something) else is in control of you, the situation, and it's outcome. Men in this situation appear to be anything but confident, strong, and exciting. More, they are perceived as being unworthy and as lacking value.
Translation: Things that are easily acquired, obtained, or maintained, without any effort or sacrifice, lack value... it's human nature.
The secret to why the cocky guy wins with women, over the nice guy, is that he is perceived as being a stronger, more confident guy with more value. How? He never invests everything -- his entire being, ego, and self-worth in what one woman's response or reaction to him is. He doesn't gush with compliments; he isn't always available; he doesn't give too much; and he knows he isn't going to die if a woman says "no" to him. More, his attitude is, yeah, I'd like to go out with you, but if I can't, that's OK -- I'm a busy guy, with exciting things going on, and lots of other options.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Learning: Rules of Thumb

The path to learning, as we all know, can have pitfalls, bursts of insight, and other changes in pace or barriers to enlightenment. When learning the structure, theories, and concepts of social dynamics, pickup, or whatever you want to call it, one of the biggest things to watch out for when you're first starting out is trying to learn everything all at once before getting out into the field and experiencing things for yourself. There are many reasons for this, but those don't really matter. What's important is to realize that doing so can actually harm your progression. Sadly it's pretty common to get information overload. My advice for those experiencing this or wish to avoid it is to work on things in smaller bites. For example, if you're trying to juggle all of the information you're being exposed to and master it as you go, it's not really an achievable goal. Instead, trying to stick with focusing on a couple of things until you've internalized those aspects and they start happening automatically for you. Then add some new bits to your repertoire and rinse & repeat. What happens now for me is that I'll be talking and I'll just notice things and when that happens I either react autonomously, or I'll have to think up something on the fly to respond appropriately instead of how I would have in the past.

There is a
Friedrich Nietzsche quote that comes to mind:
On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow.
In other words even if you don't get the girl you haven't failed, you just learned something new is all.

In the community there's an unwritten rule that says don't ever think of a lost set as failing. Instead, think of it as a learning opportunity. It's a pretty basic reframe of the situation so that you can look at it from a different perspective and learn something from the encounter. And when you reflect on the situation, don't focus on the negatives too much because mentally replaying the situation will train your mind to repeat what you did wrong. Instead, focus on what you did right, as well as what you'll do differently next time. That doesn't mean what you change will be any better of course, but you don't fall into the trap of repeating past mistakes. Bottom line: Focus on changing the bad and repeating the good.

On a related note, here is some rules of thumb by DMC87:

1) Choosing a method and sticking to it.

If you are anything like me I would read all the methods, all the forums and take on-board all the advice. The problem was it caused a never ending loop of information overload. I had a head full of advice often completely contradictory and I'd always be working on trying a new idea out everyweek when I was still having trouble opening and getting attraction completely.

2) Get a stack

Seriously you need a good stack that would complete the attraction stage, again this is regardless of method. Create an MM or GTG stack because it alleviates 90% of approach anxiety when you know what you're doing, all I have to do is say Yo, what's up! and I'm in. It also helps you sort out where mistakes are and contingencies. Even if you are natural have something like "Hi, my name is..."

3) Know how to handle contingencies and interrupts.

I roll with two naturals and an MM gamer and none of them can handle interrupts of shit tests well. They can lose the set because of this and it's very silly. The best resource for this I find to be GTG book because it is just all there and relevant.

4) Expand your comfort zone.

I started going out in-field in June 07, I spent the first 9 months opening and ejecting, and I needed to, my comfort zone was so small that it made me feel good just to talk to a woman back then. I also dramatically changed my look in that time. Realise that if you aren't pushing yourself you won't get results but if you push yourself a little even if it takes a full year, you will grow.

5) Have set days

You need to set days or times to go out when you are not allowed to stay home. These are sarge night, no excuses, no I feel tired or out of state. These are full on hardcore 90% of time in set nights and you don't take AFC friends who you'll end up talking to all night.

6) Self-correct and evaluate.

Never getting past attraction? Why? Read the appropriate resource, study it, seriously make notes on it. It's amazing what you will miss on a simple read through. Always work out why attraction died, or comfort failed. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but make sure that it's not on your part. This is best done in FR's or when you get home. NOT THE NEXT DAY

7) Don't overbrowse resources

Once you've picked your resource don't read every technique or forum because you'll get sucked into other peoples thinking style and question what you are doing. Remember once you get your basic game down you can start adding in new pieces.

Cool Expect a period of failing before you get good.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Plowing, kino, and BT spikes

These are all you really need for one night stands and/or same night lays.

Plowing through shit tests, however you manage, is pretty damn important. Act as though nothing matters, be unaffected if things don't work out. And push past YOUR limits. Most times I'm out and things falter it's my fault because I held back, and after a year in the community I've found it's a pretty common problem. Our success AND failures are usually a result of our own self-imposed limits. Chalk it up to being timid and a mix of social programming I guess. That said, it doesn't really matter where this stems from because it's time to change.

Kino is HUGE when it comes to building attraction and a sexual vibe. Check out Vin DiCarlo's Kino Escalation Ladder. I highly recommend it, plus it's free online. That being said, it's really not all that important to follow the ladder specifically if you're after a quick romp in the sack. Just plow and throw around some dominant kino. This is the secret ingredient of naturals the world over. They don't moderate themselves when they get touchy with women, which is something women usually repsond favorably to from an emotionally and sexual standpoint.

Lastly, BT spikes. Cocky/Funny is clutch. Be bold, both with words and your kino. Check out Decibel's PUA Field Guide (link is on the right). In it there will be a section on ONS/SNL and the related kino needed to make them happen.

Plowing past your normal limiting beliefs or how far you're willing to push things is what we need to do if we want to see changes. Rarely I've found people go too far naturally on their own, unless of course they're calibrating or drunk. Again, BE BOLD! Push your sets as far as you can, usually way beyond what you'd normally be comfortable with. If things blow up in your face a bunch of times that's when you can dial it back a bit. Not too much, just a bit. Rinse, repeat. That's the fastest way to get calibrated that I've found.